Burn after reading... or writing.
I'm lonely.
It's taking every ounce of me to publicly display this, as I am not sure who actually reads my blog anyway, but this is the feeling I am experiencing.
One may ask, how can I be lonely? I live in a dorm full of girls, on a campus full of people my age, and in a country full of hospitable friends who welcome me with open arms. But amongst all of this, I am still lonely.
I'm not sure there are many funerals in life where the words 'this was too soon,' aren't exchanged. It seems that whenever a death is experienced, the time with them on earth was just too short. But what if it wasn't? What if their time was just the right amount? What if the dates we are each given provide just enough time to do exactly what God has wanted us to do? No death will ever be in good time. There is no good time to accept the fact that someone is out of your life forever. But this thought can be applied to your life in all aspects. Is there ever really a good time to do anything?
I'm reaping of negativity, which is not my feeling here. But amidst this loneliness, I have found myself in and out of conversations about the future. I am a bystander listening to how the right time to start living life will be when graduation comes about. Or the right time to go running is when you finally catch up on your rest. Or the right time to start eating healthy is when you are done stressing about everything else in life. But does the right time ever really come?
I think this loneliness is boiling from frustration. Frustration of being surrounded by people living in the future and not in the present. Surrounded by people who are so focused on the finish, but not on the race.
Methaphorically, I compare it to running. Most people I run with want to know how much time is left, how far we've gone, or when we can slow down. We've become so fixated on the goal, that the trek to get their is essentially non-existent. That is, until it has passed, and you want it all back.
Maybe this is all just bitterness spouting from loneliness. Loneliness because I don't know where I fit in this world. Loneliness because I 'expect more from people, only because I would be willing to do the same for them.' Loneliness because amidst the life of travel and exploration I live so vividly, I realize I don't have a destination. And suddenly living in the moment becomes scary only because society deems this as failure. That the lack of destination can only mean one thing, and the definition is far from success.
I received a note under my door tonight that said "God doesn't make pointless people." With this I concluded, that it's okay that I don't have a destination. In fact, I feel for those who do, because the lack of satisfaction with the present is wasteful. And as I walk down this path of loneliness with direction yet to be named, it is forcing me to ask God what is next. It's forcing me to search deeper for his meaning in my life.
I'm still lonely, but I haven't given up on God yet.
It's taking every ounce of me to publicly display this, as I am not sure who actually reads my blog anyway, but this is the feeling I am experiencing.
One may ask, how can I be lonely? I live in a dorm full of girls, on a campus full of people my age, and in a country full of hospitable friends who welcome me with open arms. But amongst all of this, I am still lonely.
I'm not sure there are many funerals in life where the words 'this was too soon,' aren't exchanged. It seems that whenever a death is experienced, the time with them on earth was just too short. But what if it wasn't? What if their time was just the right amount? What if the dates we are each given provide just enough time to do exactly what God has wanted us to do? No death will ever be in good time. There is no good time to accept the fact that someone is out of your life forever. But this thought can be applied to your life in all aspects. Is there ever really a good time to do anything?
I'm reaping of negativity, which is not my feeling here. But amidst this loneliness, I have found myself in and out of conversations about the future. I am a bystander listening to how the right time to start living life will be when graduation comes about. Or the right time to go running is when you finally catch up on your rest. Or the right time to start eating healthy is when you are done stressing about everything else in life. But does the right time ever really come?
I think this loneliness is boiling from frustration. Frustration of being surrounded by people living in the future and not in the present. Surrounded by people who are so focused on the finish, but not on the race.
Methaphorically, I compare it to running. Most people I run with want to know how much time is left, how far we've gone, or when we can slow down. We've become so fixated on the goal, that the trek to get their is essentially non-existent. That is, until it has passed, and you want it all back.
Maybe this is all just bitterness spouting from loneliness. Loneliness because I don't know where I fit in this world. Loneliness because I 'expect more from people, only because I would be willing to do the same for them.' Loneliness because amidst the life of travel and exploration I live so vividly, I realize I don't have a destination. And suddenly living in the moment becomes scary only because society deems this as failure. That the lack of destination can only mean one thing, and the definition is far from success.
I received a note under my door tonight that said "God doesn't make pointless people." With this I concluded, that it's okay that I don't have a destination. In fact, I feel for those who do, because the lack of satisfaction with the present is wasteful. And as I walk down this path of loneliness with direction yet to be named, it is forcing me to ask God what is next. It's forcing me to search deeper for his meaning in my life.
I'm still lonely, but I haven't given up on God yet.
I read this blog.
ReplyDeleteI also hear what you are saying and feel like you are speaking some of my very thoughts.
I too am very lonely and have no idea what the future holds for me.
I'm even having trouble living in the present and not in my thoughts.
I hope God doesn't make pointless people, cause sometimes I'm afraid.
I know how you feel. Know that you belong here. No, not Wawona, but where you are and also hanging out with me. B you always have a place to talk, be heard, and do nothing, just let me know and we can hang out. I understand you and much like Sonya am mirroring you right now. I'm sorry that I didn't finish it before you left, but if you still want it, I hope to finish your satchel soon. Holla at a brother some time.
ReplyDelete"And suddenly living in the moment becomes scary only because society deems this as failure." Yep. And I'm a little lonely myself. Thanks for being honest, and keeping your eyes open to experience every part of life in the moment--even the lonely moments. Life is much richer and deeper this way. God really is with us in each moment--and if He's here, it's ok no matter where He's taking us.
ReplyDeletetoday someone asked me what my "long term plans" are. i wanted to say, "just a minute." and look up at the ceiling and say, "God? What are Your long term plans for me?" wait a moment. then, "you know, He's not really one to keep me in the loop on those sorts of things." life happens whether you plan for it or not. i don't know what the future holds, either. you're not alone in that respect. miss you, friend.
ReplyDelete