Ever?

I’m sitting aboard a train, one that I wasn’t sure I’d even get on. The step onto the platform was small, my bags light, but the gap between the moving carriage and the ground where I stood seemed larger than ever.

It’s wasn’t the train itself, nor the destination, but this crippling feeling I felt deep inside my bones. It was this feeling that life was passing by too fast and I wanted it to just stop. I wanted to stop, breathe and take in my surroundings for just a moment.

But I stepped on. Before the train halted, I noticed a man. To my right stood a fellow of average height who saw me struggle with my large number of bags. He asked if he could help and before I could answer he was putting my things on the train. He now sits a few seats away, minding his own business and going about his day. But before he sat down, he asked if he could help me move my stuff off of the train. To this I agreed.

I think I was meant to catch this train.

In the corner sits a man, mid-20s scrolling through his iPhone, a device that owns most individuals even though they think they own it. His blond hair and tinted skin absorb the sun as he sits closely to the train window. He occasionally muffles a bit and touches his top lip as he looks at his phone with concern. I wonder what he is thinking… I wonder where his mind is.

Sitting directly in front of me is a lady with big blue eyes. Her hair fixated in a bun on top of her head shows the colours of brown and grey as her age is seeping through. Despite the few wrinkles found on soft pale skin, her beauty is striking and the smile she gave as I released my American accent was pure and genuine. She now reads a book. Although I’m not sure what book she is reading, she must be heavily intrigued because she makes few glances to other places on the train.

I sit here staring at the seat in front of me as I write this memoir. On it is graffiti that says the word ‘ever.’ Ever is an adverb that often means “at any time,” or “always.” And then my mind moves from the train to a place where ‘ever’ can be understood. Or at least an effort to be understood.