Titleless.

Who is this person? Who is this character that thinks they can inhabit my body when I'm not paying attention? When did this lack of control become okay?

God is tricky. Just when you think you have a grip on exactly who he is, he reminds you that he is more vast than anything you can ever imagine. He is sure to reiterate the fact that his works go far beyond the realms of the cranial cavity we were given.

Sometimes it almost feels as if I'm back on track with him again, and then out of nowhere I fall short again. Maybe he's reminding me that I need to keep striving, never settling on what's comfortable.

I've lost myself recently. I'm not sure if blogging about it is in my best interest, but at this point it seems to provide a pivot, a pivot for change. There comes a time in life when everything grows dull, it becomes gray. The colors lose their accent and the sharpness behind every image simply becomes a blur.

I don't have all the solutions. At this point, I feel it's time I stop searching. I'm going to try a different style of restructure. I'm going to sleep in some days of the week, I'm not going to look at the clock and decide since it's noon, it's time for lunch. I'm not going to count how many miles I run. I'm not going to count the exercises I do each week. I'm going to start listening to my body, my Bible, my heart.

I gave it all to God and he gave me a clear answer. It seems almost futile to hope that maybe someday I can find myself living this way in harmony with my everyday life. One can only hope...

Maybe it's less about following the rules, and more about learning to listen to your heart and following that instead. Time is tricky.

Comments

  1. Experience: part of a balanced lifeJune 10, 2011 at 7:03 PM

    this is deep!
    it reminds me of a Shane Hipps sermon i listened to on wednesday:

    http://marshill.org/teaching/2011/05/08/1-john-spoiling-the-illusion/

    darkness is the absense of light
    to get rid of the dark you need light
    you can't get rid of fear... but pray for courage
    you can't get rid of hate... pray for love
    you can't get rid of pride... pray for humblness

    it's really good.
    when you have a chance... listen to it!
    keep writing
    i'll keep praying...
    you pray for me too!!!

    misses!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AndreaJune 13, 2011 at 7:03 PM

    Hmmm...good thinking. And good heart-listening. So many times in life I come to times when I feel like I'm asking the questions, "Who am I again, and what am I doing?" :) I think they are times to wait on the Lord, for His timing, to let Him speak when He's good and ready, and to be listening so we can hear Him when He is. Courage to you. And...I am with you in my own way right now too. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJune 18, 2011 at 11:06 AM

    well put BB. sometimes you just have to let it all go, becoming unconventional to be conventional with yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Rachel KeeleJune 18, 2011 at 2:34 PM

    cranial cavity. i like that. and i like where you're going with this. i'm getting the same vibes from the Big Guy i think.

    ReplyDelete

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