Most people don't eat the core of the apple.

Most people don't eat the core of the apple. They get to the seeds and decide that a deer or some wild animal would better enjoy this portion of the fruit. It's one of those things you throw out the window of your car as drive on your way to class in the morning. But have you ever tried to eat the whole thing? It really doesn't taste much different. In fact, it's crunchier, sudden change in texture provides a surprise for the hungry eater. Eat the core next time.

I don't think I can remember when I last opened my Bible. I know it had to have been sometime when I was living in California, or shortly upon my return from that place, but I can't put my finger on when it was.

When did that happen? When did I let go? When did I step back and decide that this part of my life wasn't a priority anymore? Amongst the excitement of being home, enjoying my major, and paving my future in a direction that I've always dreamed, I've lost sight of the person who got me here. I gave all the credit to myself.

I can't imagine a life without running. Each day, I wake up and decide that this healthy, stress-relieving activity will own me for at least 30 minutes. But even then, those days when my jog is to the end of my street followed by a loop through the local cul-de-sac I quickly discover this run is much to short and in order to completely sort out my thoughts I would need to run for at least 2 hours.

If I am being honest, this is the only time of the day that I take time to mentally debrief. I have gotten so caught up in being with my friends again, studying material that I truly love, and being in this place that I call home, that I've lost touch with myself. I don't know who I am.

In my Interpersonal Communications class I gave a presentation on Personality. It established grounds for thoughts regarding how you manage the identity you want others to believe you encompass. We go through motions everyday trying to instill ideas of the person who 'are' or 'want to be' in the heads of the people we interact with. Who do I want my boss to think I am? What do I want my best friend to think? Do I want that guy over there to think this about me? Should I wear this shirt so he looks my way today? Should I make that remark so that they know I believe this? How do I want others to perceive me? To some extent, you can't control this. But in another facet, you can.

I deleted a lot of phone numbers in my phone today. I also deactivated my facebook. Yeah, I am one of those people that tends to do that from time to time. When the screen comes up that asks 'why are you deactivating?' I usually check the bubble that says 'This is temporary. I'll be back.'

Why? I need to figure out who I am. How do I want to be perceived by others through this social media-drive world? Do I have this number in my phone so I can text this person when I'm bored? Am I waiting to hear from that guy I met a few weeks ago? Am I texting an individual and fueling an unhealthy relationship that is a distraction on my end? Is this plethora of networks I find myself engaged in creating an image for myself that I don't really possess?

I need to be alone. Not alone in the sense that I'm not going to hang out with any of my friends or try new things with new people. I need to remove the distractions, or for lack of better option, 'excuses' for why I can't find myself. I need to refocus, and regenerate my core. I need to run 12 miles one day this week so I can regroup my thoughts. I need to let me heart debrief and breathe instead of pushing away the emotions I try to avoid getting through.

I need to be spiritually naked. And as I sit in this vulnerable state, I wait for God to clothe me again with the person I need to be. In a few months I set out to face the world alone. I need to be real. I need to be me. I need to taste my core. I want to reach the center of the apple and still keep eating. That identity I establish in others, needs to be solid, tangible, renewed.

Phew. This is going to be a tough one. I like it.