A Whisper.

I'm sitting on a porch in Tennessee watching the sun come up over the woods. The sun is warm on my albino skin and I can smell a new day mixed with wet grass and fresh air. I can feel the soft Autumn breeze passing over my figure as I lay reclined on a chair that is more comfortable than my bed. This is the good life.

I got up early this morning to do my work out, read, the usual. I opened my book "It's Really All About God." It has taken me way too long to finish this book, however every time I read a chunk of pages, I feel the need to sit and think about everything it says... for at least a half hour. I write in my journal and reflect on its contents. Today, this is the quote I took down.

"You know you are living the Kingdom kind of life on this earth when you do things you know will not work, and then they do," Dallas Willard.

I feel like the quote is so basic, so straightforward, yet I had never taken the time to think this through before. It was a couple years after my Dad passed away that I realized I really didn't have any idea what direction I wanted to go with my life. I knew I wanted to go forward, be successful, be happy, but I didn't know how I wanted to achieve it.

"I realized that it is our superiorty complex that makes us an inferior force in making the world a better place." It is really not until we submit our want to be successful, fulfilled, monumental, that we realize we are our own worst enemies. Our need to be the best, ends up in a way, pushing us towards being the worst.

Maybe that is a bit extreme. But a life that is sugar coated is a life not really lived. My reading made me think a lot about the goals I had in mind while my father was still around. I wanted to be a wealthy physical therapist, I wanted kids, I wanted a big house, I wanted a nice car. Now, it's as if the tables have completely turned. It's as if I have let go of the need to be significant in this finite world. As Selmanovic says in his book, "We try to compensate for our smallness by pursuing something big... Once we no longer need to worry about food and shelter we turn to compensating for our ultimate significance."

The thought of being insignificant never really settled with me until I had lost someone I loved. It hadn't occured to me its reality until I saw the dates on a tombstone. When I saw those dates, I realized that the only thing keeping my Dad alive, was the memories that the people around him shared. Other than that, he is gone.

I've decided lately that having a car, a big house, or even kids for that matter aren't on my list. I suppose the kids part of it could change in time, but I feel that my significance should be reached internally, with God. I want to do dozens of small things in my life, that appeal to someone big. I don't need a label, I don't need a six digit paycheck, I need satisfaction from submitting to a higher power. Submitting to cherishing the essentials, and listening to God's whisper. I want to listen more.

It's funny how when we do something we feel will never work out, God finds a way of making it the opposite.

I love life. So much.